@RobDenBleyker: I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I'm hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
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@mattZillaaaa: My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
@sixfootcandy: Him: I think I'm getting sick. Me: Do you want some euthanasia? Him: I'm pretty sure it's called echinacea. Me: Tomato, tomahto.
@BillArrundale: Tell a woman she has cute kids and she's all proud. Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.