I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
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parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.