@RobDenBleyker: I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I'm hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
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@markydoodoo: I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
@_Kim_Jongun: My clothes don't fit anymore. There's only one possibly explanation. America is shrinking my clothes.
@bourgeoisalien: PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey- TURKEY: Nope. I'm ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
@Underchilde: [As a tornado destroys their home] Wife: You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Husband: I really miss Baywatch.