I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
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I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.