I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
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I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
*frowns in Scottish*
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex