I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
You Might Also Like
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums