I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
You Might Also Like
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.