I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
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My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
are they though??
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
こいつ天才
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you