I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
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Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor