@Darlainky: I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
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@The_GetawayGirl: everyone telling you that you're beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
@ShortSleeveSuit: CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right *flicks light switch* *parachute comes out*
@citizenkawala: When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
@AimeeHelene1: *paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*