I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
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I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.