I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
You Might Also Like
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.