“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
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One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Well, that didn’t work.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?