Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
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2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin