cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.