me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
You Might Also Like
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.