I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
greetings!
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
subtitles are so good nowadays
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.