*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
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“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
just gave your address to some spiders
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]