@HannahAntics: I complain about my kids a lot but I'd be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
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@BlindChow: dog: i saw u out there me: what? dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog me: i was just– dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
@B1gBrainsMcGee: "I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion." -person who invented hand dryers
@vikkaroni: Him: what does a polar bear weigh? Me: I don't know Him: enough to break the ice, my name's John. Me: so's mine.