I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
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*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Canadian owl: Eh?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”