Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
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Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Festive toon…
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”