If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
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This is me 🤣🤣
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I saw this ending much differently.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.