One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
When you kidnap a writer.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home