@Matty_Softmitts: I confuse "playing dead" with "playing dumb" so if I ever encounter a bear I'll probably be like "Listen, I don't even know how I got here."
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@therealeatwood: ME: I have chronic pain. It flares up whenever someone challenges my beliefs FRIEND: That’s not really how chronic pain works ME: ow owwww
@scorpicpanda: Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket* Him: "Where's the food and why are you naked?" Me: "Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic."
@Pro_Jones_: *Listening to red hot chili peppers* Me: You call that music? I can't even hear anything! Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
@vineyille: "I saw mommy kissing santa claus" has the same number of syllables as "I saw someone die at Disney World." Life's funny like that.