@Matty_Softmitts: I confuse "playing dead" with "playing dumb" so if I ever encounter a bear I'll probably be like "Listen, I don't even know how I got here."
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@bornmiserable: ME: Avenge my death CO-WORKER: That's just a paper cut ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON'T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
@bryanmcc74: Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep ... That's it, I've got that !
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.