This is my cat’s medicine.
You Might Also Like
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
This is painfully accurate 😅
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.