@SteveSuckington: I consider anything that doesn't fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
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@lovemydogduck: I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
@djdarrellripley: Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you? Me: You bought me a ski jacket Her: Skiing is a sport!
@Mom_Overboard: Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese's peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?! Date: What's happening right n- Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
@TheHyyyype: 16yo [talking w friend]: fam that's lit af, tell bae and the squad that it's on fleek PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid's having a seizure