I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
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My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.