I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
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Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Got ya covered
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
LMAO
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go