@hazelmotes1: I constantly google "how to put your kids up for adoption" so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I'm not messing around.
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@ehchinoo: *looking under hood of car* "Well there's your problem" *removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
@TheHyyyype: [Arkham Asylum] GUARD 1: that guy's CRAZY *gestures to Joker's cell* JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google* GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
@Gooooats: Me: you're going to bed in 5 minutes. Toddler: No. Twenty minutes! Me: Ok. *puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time*
@UncleDuke1969: (Trump rally) Trump: I’ll take questions now. Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought? Trump: More water. Crowd: *cheers wildly*