Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
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Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I love it all
Unimpressed
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
This classic never gets old . . .