No, I don’t think I will.
You Might Also Like
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Great Canadian literature.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …