Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
barbara was highly relatable
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.