I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
pls suprot
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Me trying to look natural in photos
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Body by sandwich.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t