Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
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*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
CUTE CAT‼︎
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.