I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
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There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.