I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
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You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs