@BeatrixKiddo_22: I could be subtweeting my cat for all you know. Calm down.
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@Brampersandon_: FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon ME (after hearing there's a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
@garrettbarry70: There's nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.
@WilliamAder: Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
@iwearaonesie: "you yelled 'this is not my daddy!' when i picked you up to leave the store. you're lucky i let you live" -how dad signs my birthday cards