No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
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It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?