@BeatrixKiddo_22: I could be subtweeting my cat for all you know. Calm down.
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@ericsshadow: [wearing a 'World's Greatest Dad' t-shirt while talking to the bartender] "The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8."
@hilariouswifey: I don't always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
@GrabTheWEness: When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700. Did I spell something wrong?