Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
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I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Encore…
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
i’m still crying at this
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate