I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
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[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.