I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”