@NolaChef504: I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
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@bigdumbbrad: I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
@shegotagronk: Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said "Oh look, 12 new followers!"
@sbellelauren: whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i'm doing god's work