I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Steam Forums
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Those are good neighbors.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.