I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
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My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
couldn’t resist
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Close call…
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo