I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
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Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
your honor my client chooses dare
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.