I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
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THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Why soy sad?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on