They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
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DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
BaD BoY!!
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”