@HeyZeus666: I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there's some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.
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@TheHyyyype: ME: my wife and i are having a baby! FRIEND: wow, that's amazing! congratulations! sex? ME: yes, that's how we made the baby...
@BromanConsul: the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn't actually know the words
@murrman5: [catching breath at friends house] I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked