My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
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In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Canada has crack?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down