I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
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Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time