@paigellwanger97: i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A's and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G
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@Griffinreborn: In 2009 we lost Michael Jackson. Now we lost Neil Armstrong. We are running out of moon walkers
@_xLNc: My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.
@thatdutchperson: [Court] "Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" Me: yes. *GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
@robdelaney: My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby's head. Sorry babe, I'M NOT A DETECTIVE.