I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
🤣🤣🤣
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts