I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.