I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.