@MariyaAlexander: I could never be an actress because I don't want kids and would never be able to say "but my favorite role is being a mom" at award shows.
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@TheDairylandDon: Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
@djdarrellripley: Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day...
@Social_Mime: Me - You almost ready? Wife - Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there? Me - Yesterday at 7.
@LuvPug: My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees. Long story short, I'm getting really good at writing my name in the snow.