@MariyaAlexander: I could never be an actress because I don't want kids and would never be able to say "but my favorite role is being a mom" at award shows.
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@tartadepollo: I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
@rachelle_mandik: HIM: If you're upset that people think you're weird, have you tried being less weird? ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.