@MariyaAlexander: I could never be an actress because I don't want kids and would never be able to say "but my favorite role is being a mom" at award shows.
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@koalaslament: Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
@Jerrypleasure: Newspaper: A 6yo saved someone's life. *flashback to me finding a discount coupon on road* ME: I also have big news.
@david8hughes: [interrogation] Cop: what were you doing last nite? Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert Cop: louder for the tape please Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy