I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
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Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint