I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
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Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.