I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
True
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that